I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’m not getting more work done and feel I’m lacking my normal manic studio drive here and I think I may have found (or created) some answers. One reality is adjusting to the demands of my new position and the workload but that seems too easy. I’ve always had at least one job and have been able to maintain an active studio practice.

I think it may be something else. Something a bit more slippery.

In the states, the work exists because of or becomes a challenge to the normalcy, habit and routine I experience on a daily basis. This isn’t a negative criticism or a nihilistic, escapist posture but just the way I adjust the lens I navigate my world through. It’s a point of focus, psychic release and self-affirmation (no matter how naive) of a perceived singularity and an ability to reveal and perform my stance in the world when I’m in the studio, working.

I experienced a great deal of anxiety and a deep sense of loss when I moved out of the studio I had for over six years. It existed as an archive and repository, a lab and arena and confirmed the necessity to have such a designated space/nest/sanctuary/cell for my stability and continuity.

Here in France (with my still unbelievably bad French!), every moment presents a demand for me to perform a version of myself that can pass, nod, “oui”, “non” and play at being a familiar and member of the tribe. It can be exhausting, isolating and frustrating. 

Why isn’t it freeing, boundless and revelatory? Why am I not rushing to “ma vieille boulangerie” to revel in this anonymity and the somewhat socially unaccountable nature of my current circumstances? 

I’m not sure and it’s driving me a little crazy. Good crazy but still….crazy. 

So, as I reduce my administration time to two days a week and commit to the studio, the challenge is to open out and fully embrace the situation I am actually in and be free of critical hindsight and dismissive forethought and try to exist in that problematic space known as “now”. 

Here we go…….